


The Absence of Fear

by felicique (boreallies)



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Abnegation Faction, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Awkward Flirting, Childhood Trauma, Dauntless Faction, Divergent AU, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flirting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Possessive Behavior, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Siblings, Slow Romance, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boreallies/pseuds/felicique
Summary: Life has not been kind to Noelle Eaton for as long as she's been alive.From her mother's death to her father's eventual downward spiral into madness, Noelle felt like all hope was lost the moment she watched her brother leave her behind for a new life in a new faction. His choice ultimately landing him in Dauntless, leaving her to their abusive father in Abnegation.So, it wasn't really a surprise to anyone but the damned faction themselves that when it came her time to choose, she chose to get out. She chose to live.For when she held the blade in her hands, for the first time, she had felt the fear that lived deep in her heart disappear. And before she knew it, her blood had spilled toward the direction of her new life.But deep down, she knew. She'd only traded one hell for another.
Relationships: Eric (Divergent)/Original Character(s), Eric (Divergent)/Original Female Character(s), Four | Tobias Eaton/Original Character(s), Four | Tobias Eaton/Tris Prior, Uriah Pedrad/Original Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	1. Skin on Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Movie and Book elements might mix.
> 
> Four and Eric are 21.
> 
> Choosing Day takes place when they are 18 years old, because I am more comfortable with that.
> 
> Casting in the Movie is portrayed in this story, so if physical descriptions in the future chapters are not accurate, take note of this please.

It was dark. And silent.

A welcomed pair during this time of night.

The land of Abnegation was soundless as the midnight fauna thrived, the moon at its fullest as the faint rays spilled through the expanse of Chicago. I was fortunate enough to have a small window in my already-cramped room, granting me at least a little bit of light borrowed from outside.

I suppose I should be used to the cramped space already, seeing as I’ve been living in this room since I was eight years old. The bed was old, worn down by the amount of times I’ve laid on it, often in tears, blood and bruises.

Downstairs was noisy. I hated it.

The tranquility that my own personal nook in the house offered was far more appealing than the chaos which was below, the sounds of my father’s drinking was getting louder. It wouldn’t be long now till his favorite companion, his anger, made its appearance.

“Elle!” His gruff voice reverberated through my closed door, a sourness in his voice that I was practically immune of seeing as I hadn’t reacted to anything he’s done to me in years.

I was numb to everything now.

_All I could do was remain silent._

“Get the fuck down here!”

I pushed the covers over me to the foot of the bed, the furniture creaking under me as my weight disappeared while I head over to the door, tightly grasping the doorknob. If I didn’t get down fast enough, he was gonna go ballistic.

But I didn’t want to go down there.

I didn’t want to see his face.

His eyes.

Eyes so full of anger for me.

So full of unspoken loathing, that he just resorted to using his fists instead.

I pulled down the sleeves of my dress down my arms more, making sure that not an inch of skin was visible. Who knows what he would add to them tonight?

“Elle!”

I resolutely opened the door, holding my breath as I took the steps downstairs. I was determined to go down silently, thanking whoever as my shoe-clad feet went down the cement stairs.

Funny to think that it wasn’t that long ago I had fallen down them.

Of course, the faction didn’t know that. They simply think I tripped and brutally sprained by ankle, leaving me unable to walk properly for six months.

_He’d covered it up, pretending to be the doting father._

_He’s always been good at that._

_Putting on a show._

By the time I arrived at the living room, it reeked the smell of cheap liquor, bottles strewn across the carpet under the couch. The alcohol no doubt spilling over, if it hadn’t already. I had more to clean again tomorrow.

“Elle!”

His eyes were on me now, voice rough as when he first called me downstairs. Sat on the couch with legs over the table, he looked like a mess. He looked manic, almost.

I remained still by the doorway, hands clutching the seams of my sleeves. My nerves were alight, eyes wide to predict just what he wanted me down her for. After three years of being left alone with this man, after _he_ left, I didn’t dare stay in one room with him for more than what was necessary.

Because whenever I did, new bruises and wounds were almost always guaranteed.

He simply sat there, eyes on me while mine were glued to the ground, face devoid of emotion as to not stir him up more.

“Why the fuck…” He started, eyes narrowing. “are you so quiet?”

I flinched, my first mistake since coming down here. I gripped my sleeves tighter, gaze hard as he continued to speak.

“You just stand here. In my home. Fucking silent all the time.”

I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I won’t let him get a peep out of me now. Not after all these years. No, my pride won’t let me.

“How come I ended up with a _fucking useless,_ _mute_ girl to take care of?” He now bellowed, face flush with anger as he stood up with a bottle of beer in his hand.

I subconsciously took a step back, his figure larger than mine and somehow, still intimidating to me. No matter how many times I conditioned myself to not show fear, _never_ , especially to him…

_The feeling just keeps coming back to suffocate me._

“Why didn’t that dumb bitch just take you with her!”

My whole body nearly shook as the impact of the beer bottle against the wall beside me made a loud crash, the shards scattering down the floor while some stuck onto my skin of my leg. I didn’t have to look down to know that some bits were already bleeding.

Silence stretched between us, the sound of his heavy breathing was the only thing that could be heard till his footsteps furiously ran toward me.

“Still keeping quiet, huh?” He hissed, hateful as he gripped my arm. Nails digging through the monotone fabric, making me bite my tongue to keep silent.

“I’ll break that pride of yours, Elle. Too bad your brother got away before I could do the same to him.”

Yes, he did get away. He left happily toward his future. Seizing his freedom and glory of a new life. I couldn’t blame him for that, for wanting to escape. For wanting to be rid of our monster of a father.

I couldn’t blame him.

But I do blame myself for being weak.

_I want to be strong._

That was what I kept repeating in my head with each scorch of torture Marcus Eaton put me through, merciless as the night went on and spots of my skin were burned raw.

_I want to live._

* * *

A week had passed since that night. My burns were already healing, new skin replacing the scorched ones as they peeled off. The gradual healing stung, but I’d gone through worse.

Thankfully, Marcus has been pre-occupied with the nearing of Choosing Day. Abnegation was the one to lead this year, thus he spent more time in the Leader’s Compound than at home.

It was also the year of my Choosing Day.

And today was Aptitude Testing.

I lagged behind the other Abnegation my age as we head to school. A week before the teachers had already notified us of what was to take place. What we were to do for the test.

The test was to help us decided which faction we belonged.

For me, the test was simply another way for control freaks like Marcus to tell us what to do. Without question.

I had caught sight of the Prior siblings ahead of me, their shoulders touching and heads near together as they talked, as though secrets were being exchanged between them.

The prized son and daughter of Andrew and Natalie Prior, the supposed role models of Abnegation. Caleb Prior was a classmate of mine, both of us having enough academic points for us to be in Advance Placement.

He’s smart. And kind to others. I’ve always noticed how he seemed to live in the library whenever we were let out of classes early. And when I saw him trying to protect the books he held to his chest in the hall when some Candon assholes tried to mess with him, I knew then.

He didn’t belong in Abnegation.

Beatrice Prior, however, was a mystery.

She grew up in a kind home. I know this because I know how kind her mother was to me whenever Marcus left me to her care, his work being the first thing in his life and nothing else compared. He cherished his government too much.

It was sickening.

Beatrice didn’t seem selfless like an Abnegation. She was too mindful of her own self at times, eyes catching sight of a factionless begging for food. And yet, at a moment I witnessed myself, she chose to turn away and walked straight home.

She wasn’t empathetic like an Amity. I checked a paper of hers regarding Factional Marriages. How logical and robotic her answer was. As though the answer was a default within herself.

Candor wouldn’t have suited her, either. Our little misadventure to the rails when we were children proved that. She had lied to her mother when she fell down hard against one of the rail poles, unknowingly scratching herself to some jagged metal sticking out.

Maybe she’d fit in at Dauntless or Erudite. She was certainly brave enough to have endured the risk of tetanus, as well as been quick-witted enough to think of an excuse to quickly drag us to the bathroom, leaving me to clean her open wound.

The years hadn’t been good for our friendship, as well as the departure of my brother which left me isolated than ever. Marcus had decided then and there that I wouldn’t mingle with the others my age far longer than necessary.

_I don’t want you getting any more ideas, like your brother did._

I scoffed inwardly then; did he really think that what I went through the past three years alone would make me want to stay at Abnegation? To stay with a monster like him?

I steeled myself as I fell in line with the others in front of the Abnegation doors, smack-dab in the middle of the other four factions. I didn’t bother to pay attention to the murmurs of the others, wondering if the test would tell them where they belonged. Where they should go.

The test was simply a means to an end. Or the beginning of an end.

It would simply tell me which faction to go live out the rest of my life, doing whatever I would want. However, I made a promise to myself.

I intended to leave Abnegation.

In my head, it didn’t matter what faction I’d end up in. As long as I could finally part with my beast of a father, then I would gladly spill my blood for the chance.

_Abnegation would not remain as my future._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short for the opening chapter, but this simply serves as an inside look to Noelle (Elle's) family life, as well as how she observes those of importance. And yes, she does not speak at all in this chapter. 
> 
> Surprise, surprise. 
> 
> More to discuss about that in the future. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.


	2. Time to Wake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second Chapter is here. Chapters are short in the beginning, I know and I apologize. But, it's helpful in order to split the parts we're already familiar with, as well as some parts that are originally from myself.
> 
> Enjoy your read.

Everybody seemed to go crazy as the minutes went by.

The silence of the hall as we wait for the current batch of test takers to finish up, leaving those of us in the hall to be the next ones to be tested. I gripped the cold bench I was sitting on, alone. The nearest test taker beside me was an Erudite, who looked at the door as if behind it, contained her biggest fear. She, too, sat alone on her respective bench.

I waited for the seconds to tick by, subtly picking at the peeling skin over the healed burns on my arms. Sure, it was painful, but it passed the time for me. At least I didn’t waste any nerves over the Aptitude Test, an inevitability that each and every one of us must go through.

Worrying just meant I’d suffer twice.

“Elle Eaton.”

My eyes snapped over to the now open door ahead of me, catching the sight of the previous examinee, a Candor who left with red-rimmed eyes. The man leaning on the doorway of the exam room was heavily tattooed, both of his ears were pierced and his long hair was tied in a messy bun. Dauntless.

I didn’t know whether to be comforted or threatened as he smiled at me.

“You’re up, kid. Come on.”

I stood up from the bench, the air seemed impossibly colder as soon as I stepped inside the exam room. The examiner was already tapping away on the screen beside the exam chair at the centre, awaiting those who seek to know where they belong.

They sure know how to make an Abnegation comfortable.

All four corners of the room were lined with mirrors, making the room both astonishingly wide yet mind-numbingly claustrophobic all at the same time.

“I’m Jackson, I’ll be administering your aptitude test today.”

I glanced over to the man in the room, his smile to me gentle and patient. It felt foreign, seeing as the only male equivalent in my life often only stared at me with loathing. Shrugging off those types of thoughts, I walked over to the chair, situating myself on it to make myself comfortable. Not that it does much.

“In the test, you’ll be given a series of choices.” He informs me, eyes focused on the screen. “Those choices will eliminate each faction until it reaches one result." I simply nod, not really caring either way. As long as I didn’t get Abnegation, they could throw me to whatever faction they may please.

Handing me a small glass filled to the brim with blue-ish liquid, I looked at Jackson, an eyebrow raised as I eyed the medicine.

“Bottom’s up, girl. It ain’t gonna disappear if you just keep looking at it.” He chuckled out.

I simply shrugged and drank it one go, thankful that it didn’t taste particularly like anything. Handing him back the glass, he nodded to me and uttered parting words before the simulation consumed me,

_“Be brave, little lady.”_

* * *

It was certainly odd.

The second time I opened my eyes, I was still on the chair. However, I was now alone and surrounded by mirrors. Jackson was gone, the monitor was gone as I was left alone.

I warily stood up, feet against the floor once again as I faced the mirrors ahead of me. Everything felt loopy, and the next glance I made back to the chair only left me trapped in a maze of mirrors, copies of me standing still as identical blue eyes stared at me.

Taking a few steps around seemed to do something as a voice echoed throughout the delicate space, making me stop on my tracks.

“Choose.”

In a blink of an eye, two pedestal were presented in front of me. Meat sat atop one, while the other had a sharp knife on it. I looked around, only finding mirror versions of myself doing the same thing, eyes darting and locks of hair now falling from its messy bun.

“Choose now.”

Without hesitation, I grabbed the knife and gripped it tight. Surely it would do me well more than the meat would. At least with a knife, I had the choice to defend myself, a choice I haven’t had the privilege of having all my life.

But, not in here.

A growling noise behind me prompted me to turn around swiftly, coming to face a large dog. Its eyes were rabid as copious amounts of drool came from its open mouth, teeth bared threateningly at me. If I squint hard enough, I could see a resemblance between Marcus’ gaze and the dog’s.

I took a step back, eyes guarded as I wait for the animal to do anything.

Eventually, it did.

It growled out viciously, before its hind legs pushed it forward, its direction going straight for me. I would’ve either been stupid or brave to face it head on, but I did anyway. I gripped the knife so hard, my knuckles turned white. Running straight for the large dog, it leapt off the ground and on me, bringing me down with it.

Sharp teeth had intended to rip through me; rendering me lifeless and pliant to any assault its blood-thirsty instinct lead the animal to.

However, I was faster.

With one quick upward swipe, the belly of the large dog was cut open, a large gash running from the center of its stomach up to its neck. Blood poured out of the wound, coating me with it from neck to my boots. It was disgustingly hot, spurting all over me.

I’d pushed the dog’s body off of me the second its legs collapsed, nearly pressing me against it. My hand was still tightly gripping the knife; holding onto it like some sort of lifeline.

And then, with a sudden darkness falling over the mirror room, it was over.

* * *

Blinking myself awake a few more times took some work. My eyelids felt heavy, my throat was dry like sandpaper while my back ached for some reason. Coughing out for no particular reason wasn’t exactly what I would’ve liked to do the moment I woke up, my body was suddenly wracked with it as air rushed to my lungs.

“Easy. You’re awake now.” A warm hand was patting my back, gently even if by the weight and size of it, one hard pat from the person would definitely send me off my chair. Head first.

Once the coughing has stopped, I lift my head and lean back once again. It was a relief to be able to breath; the air filling and exiting my lungs with each deep breath. Shaking off whatever nerves the test had left in my system, I turned my head toward Jackson who had resumed typing into the monitor, body at state of ease despite my coughing session.

I stared at him hard and long enough that he eventually looked over to me, surprised at how my eyes were trained on him. No doubt full of impatience and irritation. Why the hell couldn’t he just tell me what I got so I could finally leave this room?

“Sorry, I forgot from your record that you don’t talk.” He scratched his chin, looking sheepish. “I was waiting for you to ask.”

Rolling my eyes at him, I gestured with a wave of my hand for him to get it over with. To just break the news to me already. The wait for the results to load up as he held a finger to signal me to wait was irritating; an emotion I had on reserve only when Candor boys would mockingly call me names filled with varying degrees of bigotry and dogmatism.

“Hmm, let’s see here…”

My heart was pounding loudly in my ears; as if it was threatening to break through the chest cavity with each passing second. _Not abnegation, not abnegation, not abnegation… Anything but abnegation._

“Your result is… Abnegation.”

All blood drained from my face, it was as if all life left in my body had been sucked out. My eyes went wide; I could feel it as my gaze burned a hole through Jackson, who must have seen my face for a split second because he backed up as he took in the absolute horror that I’m sure was displayed on my face.

“Woah, girl. Take it easy.” He stepped near me, placing a hand on my shoulder with a wary grin on his face. How could he smile at me like he didn’t just tell me to go kill myself? I could feel my knees weaken and knew that if I attempted to stand up, I would most certainly fall down.

But, his next words sent me in another downward spiral.

“I was just fuckin’ with you. You’re Dauntless, little lady.”

I swore I nearly punched him, then and there.

But I didn’t. Instead, my brain was hung up over his words. Even as I left the academy, as I passed the dark alleys of the factionless, as I lied down in bed with my covers over me, I could only repeat his words.

_You’re Dauntless._

And, they are what lull me to a peaceful sleep that I haven’t had the pleasure of having in years. Finally.


	3. No Going Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Choosing Day has arrived. How will Noelle go by her choice? What exactly is behind her silence? 
> 
> Here is Chapter three.

Breakfast with Marcus wasn't exactly what I had in mind to start off Choosing Day.

Though I had the luxury of solitude as I got myself ready for the morning, the sight of Marcus running around the kitchen as he prepared breakfast; a sight that was as rare as the unlikely event of my mother coming back from the dead.

His face was clean, hair brushed back as his slate colored clothes were as neat as they could look despite the wrinkles on them. Gritting my teeth as he placed the plates on the table, I chose that moment to make my presence known just as he turned to the stairs.

“Ah, Elle, there you are!”

His huge smile directed at me was unsettling, similar to what I had felt as a child when I knew I was to be reprimanded, not with chastising words but, with his signature and most favorite punishment for me, the hot poker hidden behind the cabinets of the living room.

Even my brother, who did everything he could to make sure Marcus’ anger and abuse wasn’t directed at me, couldn’t save me from the painful burning and the sound of skin sizzling against the searing metal. Long, burn marks alongside circular ones were what marked my arms, forever branding me as bearer of Marcus’ insatiable anger.

“Come sit, Elle.” His voice was welcoming; an impressively believable mask of who he really was. I didn’t bother to hesitate, striding with purpose toward the only free seat across the table from his. Pushing it forward, I let my hands fall on my lap, clutched together to grip some semblance of sanity over this whole scene.

A plate full of smoking chicken breast, green peas, and bread was set in front of me; it was tasteless and unappetizing. But, it kept my stomach full so I really wasn’t in any position to complain. Besides, today would be the last I’d be having this meal on a plate, anyway.

We relatively ate in silence, however, I could see Marcus peering at me from under his lashes; thinking I couldn’t notice despite not looking back at him. I’ve always been aware whenever his cold eyes laid on me, a sixth sense I wish I didn’t have, but developed unknowingly.

“I’m sure you’re quite excited for today.” His attempt to make conversation was feeble, the tone of his voice pressing for me to do anything. To give away something. But, I haven’t given him the satisfaction of being able to see through me in a long time. And I wouldn’t give up now.

“We never really did get to discuss your results last night.” He probed some more, eating now set aside as he placed down his silverware and pressed his hands flat against the table, finger tapping on the wood. I simply resumed eating, not that interested with this show he was putting on. Was this supposed to appease me? To coax me into spilling my blood for Abnegation when it was turn to choose? To stay here with _him_?

He pursed his lips, smile slowly disappearing as he huffed at my silence. As though I hadn’t subjected myself to years of silence since the incident.

“Later on… is your choice made up?”

I shrugged, feigning disinterest with my body language as the rest of the plain chicken disappeared from my plate. If I had been the me from ten years ago, I would have been trembling in my spot; unable to resist the command to yield, to give up all of my thoughts to him. To let him know of my desires to get the fuck away from him.

“Well, I do hope you make the right choice. You are a daughter of Abnegation, after all. This is the only place you’ll ever fully belong, Elle.” His words, meant to sound as though he was passing me some wisdom, sounded like bullshit coming from his mouth.

I merely nodded, standing up with my empty plate on hand before placing it in the sink. He signaled me to leave it be; he would be the one to do it, he said. My feet led me to the stairs once again, up and at them as they only stopped once I was settled back in my room.

Naivety wasn’t a quality that ran in my veins, Marcus’ depravity had long flushed it out of me. I knew that he, his reputation, as well as his control over the government would be at risk the moment I, Marcus Eaton’s only daughter, transferred to another faction; it would indirectly confirm all suspicion that he was under.

Erudite had been ready to pounce at anything that would abolish Abnegation’s control over their government, believing that those who valued knowledge should be the ones in control. They were the ones who unearthed the rumors about Marcus abusing his eldest son, my brother, who transferred out of Abnegation the moment he was given the chance.

If only that same drive of theirs to grapple at any slander of Marcus had been present back then, maybe I would’ve testified myself. If only anyone had been willing to listen to me then, instead of believing the lies of the monster himself, would I have not resorted to such a measure I put over myself.

Backing up on the bed, I lied down on it, knowing that I still had an hour before we had to head to the Hub. Swallowing down the blockage in my throat proved to be a challenge, memories flashing in my mind like a broken record player.

I was not mute.

Erudite doctors, who examined me ten years ago, had chalked it up as a psychological condition, a lapse in my brain when my head had roughly made contact with the wall of my room by accident. The accident could loosely be summarized as Marcus grabbing my head and throwing it to the wall with so much brilliant force for a man from Abnegation, that the faint shadows of blood still haven’t disappeared, despite many coatings of bleach and cleaning solution.

Many check-ups, diagnoses, and examinations later, they came to the conclusion that I would not be able to talk again. Not because my body lacked, but because my mind wasn’t capable of allowing me to do the action anymore.

If only they knew.

Marcus had played the role of the devastated father well; other factions laying off their pressure on Abnegation to give him space to mourn over his daughter’s irreparable injury. It had filled me such loathing, as a young child. I’m sure if others knew just what I thought of as I watched him benefit from my silence and use it as propaganda, they would be horrified that an eight year old had such urges. My brother was better at hiding his hatred, standing beside me during that time.

Now, he wasn’t here to hold my hand.

No, I was not mute. Though it was true that I’d momentarily lost my voice due to the shock in my head, the moment I was cleared I made a vow to myself. My young self, so breakable and fragile, but was already subjected to such cruelty.

I vowed not to speak anymore in a faction that refused to listen. Refused to acknowledge the warnings, pleadings, and cries for help by a young child they thought were merely sprouting nonsense that had come from her nightmares. I refused to even waste another breath as I knew I would only be dismissed, hidden by the man who was supposed to protect me; instead chose to raise his hand against me.

Now, I only had myself to be my protector.

I will Dauntless. And I will be strong.

Then, I will finally not feel afraid.

* * *

The Hub was crowded as I found my seat, parting with Marcus as he head to the very front of the room, the podium’s curved floor was stark white, and stood out in every angle of the room. Other factions were still piling in as they found their seats. My feet led me to the second row, our alphabetical seating allowing for a smoother ceremony later on.

I found myself to be seated beside Ellis Fallon, a lean male with good looking features who was unexpectedly calm in his seat, hands on his lap as he contentedly watched the other factions pile in, colors clashing while some of them hugged and conversed; long time friends reuniting in this life-changing day.

My eyes scanned the sight before me; a curved table with five large bowls placed above it. _Candor. Amity. Erudite. Abnegation. Dauntless._ Had I been unsure of myself, I would’ve been shaking in my seat right now. But, I wasn’t afraid. Or unsure.

I knew exactly where I was going. Where I chose to belong.

“Good Morning, Jeanine.”

The voice of Andrew Prior wasn’t a stranger to me, my head snapping up to the right to find him face up with none other than Jeanine Matthews, the head of the Erudite faction. His family was behind him, Natalie looked over to her and shot her a pleasant smile; similar to what a mother would show to her child.

“Good Morning, Andrew.” Jeanine’s voice was even, attachment devoid from it as her hands clasped the tablet against her stomach, her eyes calm while Andrew’s remained guarded. “How is Marcus holding up?”

His name was one that I was expecting to come up, after all, it wasn’t a secret which faction had been coming for Abnegation’s control over the government of Chicago. Rumors were rumors, until Erudite found proof to back their accusations; dark as they may be, they were true.

Andrew’s eyes darted to me; discreetly, as though he dreaded the event of Jeanine seeing me. “As well as can be expected.”

“Hm, we need to find out who’s behind these rumors.”

“I think we all know who it is.” Natalie’s snide comment had my eyebrows raising nearly into my hairline. The sudden attitude was so out of character for her, the gentle woman, mother, and wife from Abnegation. I bit my tongue to stop the corner of my lip from rising up, the sting allowing me to suppress it.

“If it’s someone from Erudite, I promise I’ll find out who.” Her words, though were meant to be an oath, were vacant of any action to be followed.

I tuned out from listening to them and settled to observing instead as Jeanine now focused her attention to the Prior siblings, who looked nervous out of their minds for the ceremony that was going to happen. My brain only clicked back into the conversation when it took an interesting turn.

“Speaking of, isn’t Marcus’ daughter’s Choosing Day, as well?” Jeanine noted, nonchalantly as though she had simply commented on today’s weather. But, the unspoken dig of her words made Andrew tense. She could tell. While her communication had ceased, her other skills had more than compensated for that. Observation, for one, was her favorite pastime.

“Yes.” The tense man grit out. I then decided to keep my head down, not knowing to what proportions this whole interactions could blow up into if Jeanine spots me. Just four seats away from where was standing. “She’s in the same group as Caleb and Beatrice.”

“News of her accident back in the day had been so terrible. But, I’m sure that through Abnegation’s nurturing and guidance, she’s managed to make up her mind.” The woman’s cold voice was now filled with something; condescending was what I chalked it up to be as her blue eyes looked down on Andrew Prior. “As are the minds of your children, I presume.”

The tense group parted then and there after a few more cut words were exchanged; sapphire and slate clashing against each other as they passed on the way down towards the podium.

Something was brewing within the glass walls and high rises of Erudite. I was sure of it, and I only hoped that Andrew Prior and the rest of Abnegation could handle it. Marcus certainly won’t be able to. He was a weak-willed man, after all.

Besides, who was I to considerably care for the fate of Abnegation? After today, I won’t have anything to do with them anymore.

Ever.

* * *

“The Faction System is a living being.”

Jeanine Matthews stood on the podium, the five bowls of each faction behind her. Ready to be faced by each dependent who wanted their place in society. In their factions, will they only feel that they truly belonged.

“Composed of cells. All of you.” Jeanine looked as though her eyes pieced each and every single dependent in the room, driving her words home as I remained unmoving in my seat. “And the only way it can survive and thrive is for each of you to claim your rightful place.”

_Claim your rightful place._ Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

“The future belongs to those who know where they belong.”

From my peripheral vision, I saw that Ellis was now holding hands with the person to his left, a short and soft-looking girl who I remembered went by Amara. Their palms were intertwined, as if the connection was their life line. I wonder what that felt like.

As Jeanine stepped off the white podium to take a seat in the midst of Erudite, Marcus stepped up to take the floor. He made a bland speech about the aftermath of this day, how we would become official members of society.

Faction before blood.

Then, the calling of the names came.

As per usual, Erudite was first. Followed by Candor, Amity, Dauntless. Lastly, was Abnegation. Saving the best for last, I supposed.

A handful of Erudite dependents chose to stay, while three chose Dauntless. The sapphire faction had been rendered silent by the transfer of the final dependents coming from their faction, the booming cheers of Dauntless compensating for it as he went and sat down with his new family.

Only six Candors chose to leave their faction, one leaving for Amity while the rest chose Dauntless. The sound of the cries one mother made as her child chose the warrior faction echoed through the Hub. It made me wonder that if my mother was still alive and I had chosen to leave, would she cry as brokenly as she had? Or would she hug me and wish me luck?

The rest of the dependents from Amity chose to stay in their faction, with only two leaving for Erudite and Candor respectively.

Dependents from Dauntless all chose their faction, not a single one choosing to leave. They chose to uphold the brave virtue they’d been born with, each coming up to make their choice, and with no hesitations on their part, chose Dauntless again and again. It obviously baffled some of the other factions, that none of them were getting a Dauntless transfer this year.

But, this just showed that, at least, the faction was doing _something_ right.

Marcus had already called out the first dependent from Abnegation just as the last of the Dauntless sat down to welcome back one of their own, the slight figure of Ophelia Brunson standing up from her seat at the very front, her back was straight as a feign display of confidence, but she could do nothing to hide the trembling of her hands.

I couldn’t be bothered to listen to what faction she chose, so I was content enough to just hang my head and to stare at my clasped hands, they were cold above my lap and weren’t shaking. I wasn’t nervous like Ophelia Brunson. I didn’t need my hand held like Ellis and Amara were doing.

This choice was mine alone. It was the only thing I had complete control over in this world. The only hope I had of a world free and far away from Marcus Eaton.

It was my choice. And nothing was going to change it.

“Elle Eaton.”

Elle. Elle Eaton. _Such a pretty, Abnegation name,_ he would always say when I was a child. He never took a liking to my full name, _Noelle_ , for it strayed too much from the feminine norm of name givings. I had been born nights before Christmas, snow had overtaken Chicago, and that was how my mother gave me my name.

Marcus hated it the moment she died, instead he’d began to call me Elle.

Unfortunately for him, I hated the name.

I calmly stood up, and I could feel every prickly stare on me the instant my figure came into view. The rumors spread by Erudite weren’t limited to their glass buildings and high-rise offices, the scandalous whispers spread like wildfire in the other factions; an outcome that Erudite had been counting on.

Walking with sure steps was easy enough, avoiding eye contact with Marcus was easier. Nothing he could do would make me change my mind. I didn’t feel anything but loathing for a man like him. Father or not, when all of this was over…

_He would mean nothing to me._

Standing in front of the five symbolic bowls was surprisingly burdensome, the weight of their stares on my back weren’t subtle; every single one waiting for the daughter of the accused Abnegation leader to make her choice. To prove the rumors wrong.

I didn’t have to do such a thing.

Picking up the knife set on the curved table, I didn’t hesitate and swiftly cut a line on my palm; deep enough to draw blood. Setting it back down, my eyes scanned the bowls one last time.

Water for Erudite. Earth for Amity, Glass for Candor. Stones for Abnegation. Burning Coals for Dauntless.

Everybody was watching me with bated breath; waiting for the choice I was to make.

My feet led me in the middle of the bowls of two factions, Abnegation and Dauntless. For the first time since I stood here, I lifted my eyes and made contact with the cold pair of Marcus’.

His eyes were hard, borderline fuming as the card with what I presumed had my name on it crumpled in his hand; his grip on it rendering it beyond repair. The gaze he directed at me was daring me, _threatening me_ to choose anything other than his faction.

But, even if Marcus was a monster. He was still human.

Even he couldn’t hide the flash of fear that passed his eyes as I kept my stare on him while my palm hung over one of the bowls before me; grip tight as blood rolled from the open wound and onto the next path of my life.

The sizzle of the coals as my blood mixed with their fire was deafening, as well as the silence that followed. I let a corner of my lips lift; taking in the absolute terror and fury that overtook his features. Satisfaction rolled in waves within me, times slowing as I lowered my palm and was left standing in silence.

Standing in defiance of the monster who broke me, who burned me, who wounded me.

_Then, the Dauntless roared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapters are where the fun will finally begin. Noelle's backstory is not as simple as what i've explored in this chapter. There is more to this complex of hers and how she will choose to deal with it in Dauntless. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading!


	4. Take the Leap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noelle's life at Dauntless begins with a single step. Will she be brave enough to take it?

The burning in my legs with each footfall was stimulating.

Dauntless had been the first faction to leave the Hub, an unspoken energy flowing from each member to the next. I wasn’t exempted from the flow of excitement as a smile bloomed on my face; an expression I haven’t made in a very long time. As the leaders present led us out of the Hub, I kept my gaze straight ahead. I refused to let Marcus have one last look of me, the daughter who escaped him.

It wasn’t long before we were out and running, as we’re doing now. People out and about the street parted for the stream of black; now mixed with slate, sapphire, and white. The Dauntless-born were ahead of us transfers, their physiques more able to catch up to the official members at the very front.

Having Beatrice with me in Dauntless was a shock. I had no idea that she’d wanted to go to Dauntless, or any other faction ever. Caleb’s departure from Abnegation also came as quite a shock, not so much as mine was but, still.

I snapped back to attention when we came below the train tracks, some of the Dauntless already climbing its pillars all the way to the top. Breathlessly, I chuckled. Of course, the Dauntless were crazy and risky enough to ride the train the daredevil way. Following some of the Dauntless-born who were already up one of them, my muscles burned as I pulled my weight up the metal beams; their roughness digging into my softness of my palms.

Coming up the platform was exhilarating, the wind was in my ears and when I dared myself to look down, I found that it was the highest I’ve been my whole life. My hair was fully out of its bun now; the hair tie had fallen off somewhere along the run. Tucking a stray lock obstructing my face behind my ear, I stood between two black-clad males, their heads snapping to me instantly.

“Glad to see you made it,” one of them grinned at me, his pearly teeth contrasting with his dark skin as his short hair was left unaffected by the wind. “Shook up the entire Hub earlier, missy.”

“Wait, who’s she again?” The guy to my right had to raise his voice; his eyes squinted as he scrutinized me. Not in a way that I was offended, just in curiosity. It was understandable. I _was_ a Stiff, after all.

“We were just talking about this earlier.”

“As if you don’t know how short my memory span is.”

Biting my lip, I stepped around the male with the curious gaze and walked over to the very front of the line; the others buzzing with energy as we all waited for the train. Their attentions were all glued to the tracks coming round the corner, for any sight of the train that was to bring us all home.

The moment the few who were ahead of me began to run, my feet were already moving with them. Looking over my shoulder, the train was already on its way alongside us on the tracks, the machine faster than our legs as its pace was soon alongside ours.

Watching the Dauntless-born grip the free bars beside the train doors, I was thankful that they were already opened by those who had boarded first. Copying their movements, I grabbed the nearest bar near me and pulled myself up, grip tight until I could feel my body on the train.

Those who saw me get on whooped; cheering me for making it which filled me with warmth. Everyone was noisy, but it was one that I could get used to. Looking out of the door I came from, I could see that there would soon be little to the sidetracks now, but some were still running alongside the train.

Ten became five; till soon all that was left was Beatrice. She was the last to board the train, but thankfully, she’d made it to the very last car. Walking back to the second car that I was in, I leaned on the wall and sighed; closing my eyes momentarily to take it all in.

I made it.

* * *

“Get ready.”

The train ride back to Dauntless was short; shorter than I’d have thought. Buildings that the train whizzed by as the tracks went on and on seemed to become more in our vantage point as we passed each one. In a heartbeat, the others who were sitting down began to stand, jumping on their feet to limber up. But, for what?

My internal question was answered when one of the Dauntless-born, the woman who had warned us earlier, firmly gripped my forearm, making my head snap to look at her.

“We’re gonna jump, Stiff. Either you make the roof or paint the concrete in red seven floors below.” Her words were factual, true and were void of any attachment to me. But, I appreciated the gesture. She had informed me of what was going to happen. At the very back of my mind, I thought that maybe, she wanted me to make it.

I wanted to make it.

Gulping down the lump on my throat, I nodded at her. Satisfied with what she saw in my eyes, she smirked and let go of my forearm, patting my shoulder firmly before walking over to the open door of the car.

“Let’s go!”

I didn’t have the half the mind to think about anything profound as we passed a glass-covered roof before the jumping point came to view. Only the deafening sound of the wind as I jumped was what mattered; my heart at my throat with my eyes glued up ahead, not having the guts to even look down.

Being in the air felt like forever.

The wind was in my ears, nothingness wrapped around me while gravity pressed me down.

All the air within my lungs was knocked out of me at the rough impact I made, my landing less than graceful as I rolled on the rocks present on the roof; jagged edges no doubt cutting through my skin like paper. As I wobbly stood on my feet though, I realized that I’d gotten off easy.

At least, compared to the others who had gashes on their faces and limbs, exposed skin displaying red dripping from their wounds.

They didn’t even fuss on them; open gashes ignored in favor of showing indifference.

Taking in the sight of almost all Dauntless-borns on the roof, with only a handful of the transfers left; a heaviness had settled itself at the bottom of my gut. It only intensified as my ears caught up to the screams and cries coming from the girl leaning over the edge of the roof. I didn’t need to look to know that someone hadn’t made it.

That someone had already painted the concrete red seven floors down.

And in some sick, twisted part within myself…

I was glad that it hadn’t been me.

While Dauntless may be the brave faction; the fighter faction, and as tempting as it was to find glory amongst them… there was no guarantee that one would make it past its doors alive.

Steeling myself, I walked over to the people casually leaning on the opposite end of where we’d taken the leap; five of them with postures at ease while one stood on the ledge itself, hands buried deep within the pockets of his pants. He didn’t show anything outwardly on his face; eyes seemingly unimpressed by our measly display of bravery.

Having been one of the first to recover from the jump, I was in the very front alongside the numbered black-clad males, mixed with one or two females who were already on their feet; buzzing with energy. I noticed that I barely came up to the shoulder of the male beside me, his frame was broad and his arms held muscles only boys in Abnegation would dream of having.

I didn’t mean to catch his eye; pools of green clashing with my blues. There was something familiar about him. A distinct feature in his face that seemed to stand out to me; bringing forth a sense of familiarity I didn’t know I could feel with someone I haven’t seen till now.

“Done checking me out, Stiff?” His question was teasing; not at all insulting towards me, even when the moniker eventually slipped out. I narrowed my eyes at him; shaking my head to disprove his arrogant statement. Too bad, he didn’t seem to believe me.

“Ignore him.” My eyes darted to the girl to my right now, auburn hair glinting red from the sunlight with almost identical moss eyes as the guy beside me. “The only thing he has going for himself around here is his looks.”

“Win, we’re twins.”

“I said, what I said.” She looked over at me with a teasing smirk, winking as he huffed. I didn’t know if I was intruding in something or if I was involved, but I simply chose to back away from the situation. As subtle as I could, anyway.

Which, I guess, wasn’t much seeing I hadn’t even taken two steps back before hands pushed me back to where I was as a palm wrapped around my forearm, simultaneously keeping me where I was earlier.

“Nuh-uh, girlie. You’re staying right here.” Win carelessly dragged me back to between her and her brother, both of them grinning at me. They were both taller; her own height a couple of inches above mine. “You don’t seem to talk much. Is that a theme back in Abnegation?”

I shrugged; not really comfortable with being at the front now. If only I had realized just how exposed I would be up here, I would’ve purposefully lagged behind just to keep myself hidden behind the wall of Dauntless dependents; their huge, towering frames would surely keep me out of sight long enough.

But, no. Of course, life wouldn’t bless me with inconspicuousness.

“All right, listen up.”

The rough call in order seemed to snap us all into attention, Win the others’ frolicking at the back quieting into nothing as we all looked ahead; taking in the intimidating sight of the six Dauntless members here to welcome us.

Though, they were far from welcoming.

“I’m Eric. I’m one of your Leaders.” The man, Eric, stood on the ledge. His eyes were squinted as they scanned through our mass of people; no doubt already nitpicking those who stood a chance and those we would ultimately bring shame to the Dauntless name.

“If you want to enter Dauntless, this is the way in.”

He gestured to the drop behind him, expression now filled with mirth as he smirked at us. Daring us, to take the leap. Only this time, we weren’t quite sure what would be waiting for us on the other side.

“And if you don’t have the guts to jump, then you don’t belong in Dauntless.”

“Is there water at the bottom or something?” A guy, presumably an Erudite, asked. Apprehension was clear in his voice; wavering at the very end as Eric merely smirked, hands clasped in front of him. He was perfectly at ease, despite the drop behind him.

“I guess you’ll find out. Or not.”

Pursing my lips, I wiped off the sweat that was accumulating on my palms. I didn’t have time to feel nerves like this. I’ve chose Dauntless. I’ve been tested as Dauntless. So, I would be Dauntless, damnit. Hesitation was not an option when I was at the Hub. I knew what I wanted. Where I would belong to.

So, why was this heavy feeling in my gut settling again?

“Someone’s gotta go first. Who’s it gonna be?”

I wanted to be brave. Courageous and fearless, and everything that came with being Dauntless. I knew that simply choosing the faction wouldn’t just automatically flip a switch inside me that would turn off the fear. The apprehension. But, I hoped with everything that was in me that I would at least be able to be more of who I was before in Abnegation.

Maybe this was my chance.

“Me.”

Or not.

Just as I was about raise my hand, the familiar voice had cut through the thick silence. I didn’t have to look to know who had spoken. Beatrice. She walked through the crowd of us, passing Win’s shoulder on her way to the front.

I felt sick. Sick with the fact that Beatrice had been braver than me. That despite us being in the same faction, she had chosen to be the first one to take this leap. Leap in Dauntless. Into belongingness.

It also brought forth a sense of loathing, which surprised me. Not knowing what invoked it made me question myself more. Beatrice had been a friend of mine; one who was often associated with the sunny parts of my considerably bleak childhood. I had no reason to hate her. Or to feel contempt.

But, I hated seeing her up there.

Maybe I was already changing faster than I though. From what I gather to myself though, it wasn’t a change for the better.

Eric jumped back down, right in front of Beatrice’s solid form as she passed him, leaning over the edge as she looked down. It must be intimidating, seeing from the unmistakable shudder of her shoulders. She then began to take off her slate coat, eyes ahead with her back to us.

“Yeah, stiff, take it off.” Jeered a guy from the far right, his voice was shrill and annoying. Even though I hadn’t seen him up front, I decided then that I didn’t like him. “Put it back on.”

Yeah, definitely didn’t like him.

Cautiously climbing up the ledge after she had discarded her coat, I could see from where I stood that her arms were shaking up until she stood; her feet the only thing keep her grounded on the ledge. The wind was unforgiving, and with how small she was compared to me, who was considered the tallest female dependent in Abnegation, one strong gust could threaten to shove her off.

“Today, initiate.”

Eric’s tone was pressing; a command more or a reminder of the seconds that were ticking by. But, I merely continued observing Beatrice; how afraid and brave she was up there. How two opposing forces were fueling her to do this. To jump.

So, she did.

I didn’t even know that I was holding my breath till she jumped and forced me to release it; the sound making Win and her brother glance at mer. Out of concern? Maybe.

Eric faced us then, a wild look in his eyes as he clapped his hands together, snapping us all back into order. There was a change in the air now, an unspoken jeer directed at us, and affected all but the members on the roof.

_A stiff had the guts to jump, but you don’t?_

Despite coming from Abnegation, coming from the same faction, I couldn’t do anything to stop the rancor settling in my bones. Or maybe I simply didn’t want to.

“Who’s next?”

It wasn’t long before the others followed suit, gathering whatever courage they had to step up and jump over the ledge in front of us. A Candor girl followed Beatrice, which was followed up by an Erudite; his descent accompanied by his wails as he went out of sight.

By the time our numbers came to be ten, Win’s brother had already left both of us on the roof; his Dauntless spirit fueling him to jump from the roof, head first. I could only imagine what a tragedy would it be if he landed wrong and cracked his head open. Much like mine had back then.

“Hey, girlie.” Win’s call made me look at her, the nickname settling in my mind along with the fact that I hadn’t exactly told her my name yet. “I’m gonna jump now. Catch you on the flip side.”

Watching her walk confidently to the front, smiling to the other Dauntless members who cheered her unlike they did with the transfers made me realize something. Speaking was something I could do now. Now that I was away from Abnegation. Now that I was in Dauntless. My new home. Where I belonged.

But, I knew it would take small steps. My endless sessions in Erudite had eventually diagnosed me with trauma, and it wasn’t something I would be able to shake off. At least, not at once. Being stuck in Abnegation hadn’t allowed me to be separate from the memories, but here… maybe I would finally move on.

Before I realized it, I was the last one on the roof. A Candor girl, second to last to me, had taken one, snide look at me and nearly launched herself off the roof. I guess it hurt her pride. To be seen as more cowardly than me.

I didn’t have a particular fear of heights. Or jumping great distances.

I simply feared what I didn’t know.

And, it had result to me being the last person left. Somehow, the nerves became worse when Eric realized this; eyes which were once filled with pleasure watching the others scream as they descent, were now coldly directed at me. The last jumper.

“You’re up, Stiff.” He sneered quite meanly, a fitting quality for someone as intimidating as him. He towered over me, my head barely coming up his neck while he looked down on me.

I nodded and walked over to the ledge. Perhaps if I hadn’t been so fearful of what Dauntless could hold, I would’ve jumped at the thought of what it could offer me. A new start. A new life, really.

Or maybe I had been afraid because I knew that he was here. That one way or another, we would cross paths in one of the halls or faction assemblies. Hell, I didn’t know to myself if I was _ready_ to face him. Would I recognize him? Hug him? Smile? Cry?

I knew nothing of what to do when I eventually come face to face with him.

Tobias.

“Are you gonna jump or am I gonna have to toss you over?” Eric’s vicious words didn’t seem to faze me. I wonder if because of Marcus’ harsh upbringing of me, that I was immune to such tactics now. It spurred something inside me; a little bit of hope, maybe.

That if I had come out of the horror which was Marcus’ home, maybe I would be alright here.

“Do you want to be factionless, initiate? Or would you crawl back to your Stiff town?” His voice was downright malicious now; uttering the word afraid with so much scorn, it made me look at him. The pull wasn’t something that I expected; my eyes were drawn as the tone of his words registered in me.

Then, I took him in. He was looking at me with contempt; judging me heavily with his silver eyes which met mine straight on. He was devoid of fear. He was brave, standing tall like a mountain. As though nothing would ever be able to knock him down. As though he could tear through enemies with his bare hands. With no hesitation.

A thought entered my mind then.

I wanted to be unstoppable.

Like him.

So, for the first time in a long time, I smiled; turning my back on the drop below and grinned directly at him. Something in him recoiled, as if I had struck him. His previously mean expression wiped, and was replaced with confusion. But, it was quickly washed away, a pissed off look now settling in its place.

“ _Well? Are you afraid?_ ”

“ _No_.”

Then, I jumped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Online Classes have begun this week, which is why updates are going to be slow. I'm very sorry for this. But, I'm going to continue posting, don't worry.
> 
> Till the next chapter. Thank you for reading.


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